Missing the Point

Johnny flytes like a girl.

Flyting is the delivering of an insult.

Flyting is verbal sparring.

The content of flyting ranges from the improbably offensive to the playfully harmless. It is an incredibly fun and rewarding thing to do and, except for the most prude or sensitive sects, it is a universally understood form of dialogue between friends.

It is mostly harmless.

For instance, if I call someone:

A scum sucking bastard

I will insult them to the same degree as a cat.

This is a good thing. Especially if you want to call someone an ill name for that brief hit of cathartic negativity. You know, for when people do something benignly stupid. Like dropping a jar of cookies or sleeping with your second cousin twice removed (everyone has that cousin).

Pretty much every "cuss" word was built for flyting.
Seriously, call your friend a motherfucker or a dipshit or an asshole and you will either get a shrug or a semi-humorous "what was that for?"

This is all well and good, except, this has bled into the public existence. Call a stranger a motherfucker, and they will shrug or walk away or simply call you a motherfucker. Then you have to keep heaping it on until they hit you.

Because this is the point of going out into public: to yell obscenities at people until they hit you. Actually, this is a bit of a misstep. The goal is to have a decent excuse to hit them. If they hit you then you can hit them and then you win. At life. You hit them alot and then win at life. This is how it goes.

Anyway.

The point is that you have to keep saying things. I mean seriously, you waste all that effort to call a complete stranger a knobgobbler or a fucknut or a shitcock that when it comes to fisticuffs you're too damn tired to beat them down.

So tiring.

Too direct.

So, in the tradition of Strunk and White, I have drafted a working prototype of vernacular that can be used easily and efficiently in the company of alien personas in order to fight them.

The only thing that you have to do is ditch that crude sense of masculinity or whatnot in order to think like an overly passive-aggressive old lady. You have to target specific things. Things that would not otherwise be insulted. Insecurities.

For instance.

Say I run into Goldie Haun and wish to court her with my boot. Traditionally, I would call her a "bitch" or a "twat" or some other inelegant term until she uppercutted me. This, as was stated earlier, takes a certain kind of effort that I don't care to expend. Emotional effort. Anger. Instead I target specific things in her history and then exploit them to my intellectual advantage. Bluntly.

So I think about what I know about her. I recall her career. And I begin.

"Goldie"
"Yes?"
"You're career has not gone well."
"what?"
"You don't look as nice as you once did."
"Pardon?"
"Kurt Russel didn't think much of your acting."
"That's very rude! I don't even know you!"
"Sometimes, if I run into a picture of you, I don't recognize you because you were famous before my time and this has made me less appreciative of your body of work. However, this is kind of weird because I think very highly of Lauren Bacall. She became radiant and mature in age, you became a scruffy, tired schnouser. "
"Sir, if you keep this up I will hit you."
"You have a baboon face."

Then she will hit me. Minus the emotional or verbal expendature involved in yelling at people.

Learn about people, observe them as you always do. Just pay extra attention to the little things And then use these little things to drive a furious wedge between their self esteem and ego until any conception of place or context for their existence is lost and they are forced to resort to violent, animalistic forms of interaction.

Then you beat them. With your hands. Because this is what humans should do. Yell at eachother and fight.

Here are some good openers:

"You parents probably didn't like you."

"You have clumsy looking calves"

"Your brother died and now your life is better."

"Sometimes your friends forget to call you."

"People generally don't like you."

"You have a very bland face."

"Your parents wish you were a girl."

"You obviously work out but you have have terrible acne."

"Children dislike you."

"Are you a girl?"

"I had trouble telling you were a girl."

"You wear nice clothes to hide the fact that you can't find a suitable identity and so you turn to the default identity that will make it easy to get a job yet make no statement about who you are."

"That's an ugly shirt."

"You have timid looking hands."

"Sometimes your friends state inadiquacies about your personality, and though they act like they don't really care, they are aware of them and this will probably cause your relationships to eventually implode into a horrific blend of internal strife and sorrow."

"You're not overweight yet but I can tell that in five years you will probably have some heft about you."

"I don't like your shoes."

Any complaints should be forwarded to this address...